There have been times in my life that I have been consumed
by guilt, anger, confusion, and sadness.
Typically these emotions result in short-term internal dialogues of pessimism
and melancholy points of view. Internal
debates on why life is not fair. These
emotions, however, are only temporary.
As they say, “life goes on.” That
is until you have been diagnosed by what some may call a condition, while
others refer to it as a disease. Like
any disease, our condition doesn’t just magically disappear; it manifests
itself into our lives and consumes our emotions and thoughts daily. The only disease that affects two people at
once: infertility.
My wife
and I began our journey through Infertility approximately two years ago. When we married Jill was 35 years old and
ready to start her family. Being 6 years
younger I honestly could have waited another year to have children, though Jill
instinctively insisted on starting on our honeymoon. Being concerned about her age and her
mother’s infertility, Jill feared that her prediction of infertility would come
true. Of course being completely naïve
of this lurking disease, I reassured her an innumerable amount of times that
there is no need for alarm. I’m a young
healthy guy. I got this! Ha, what an idiot.
A year
later I find myself in a doctor’s office filling out a questionnaire about all
the lovely details of my past. How much
do they really need to know? There
should be a box to the top right hand corner of the medical screening sheet
that says, check here if you are not currently dying. Once done we were subjected to a slew of test
conducted on us, and were referred to a specialist. At first nothing really seemed to be medically
impaired for Jill or I. Nonetheless, the
poking and prodding continued. The first
invasive procedure Jill was subjected to was an HSG (hysterosalpingogram.) A contrast enhanced exam that examines the
reproductive organs. The test results
showed a possible blockage in the left fallopian tube, due to the left ovary
not spilling out the contrast in a fashionable manner. The right tube and ovary had a good report
though, however, we had mixed emotions on our prognosis. We were told about the flush effect the
contrast may provide after the HSG.
Being that the contrast acts as a roto rooter for fallopian tubes,
cleaning out the menstrual debris from the past two decades. Well that sounded great at the time, but with
no avail, we were back at specialist a few months later.
Being
36 now, Jill and I felt more of a sense of emergency to conceive a baby before
all the dreaded statistics of conceiving after 35 become a reality. So our specialist recommended surgery to
visually inspect the reproductive organs, and Jill underwent her next invasive
procedure, a hysteroscopy: a laparoscopic general anesthesia exam that allows
the doctor to correct certain fertility issues.
A day I’d never forget, and think about often. It started with our RE (reproductive
endocrinologist) telling us right before the surgery that there’s a chance he
will have to take Jill’s fallopian tubes from the result of the HSG. Jill and I were shocked because we were lead
to believe that this surgery would be at most exploratory, and to clean up any
scarring. It’s scary enough to go under
anesthesia for abdominal surgery, but then to tell us something completely different
from the consultation right before surgery is horrifying. Being in the medical field for the past 10
years I have seen some bad bed side manner, but this just seemed
unprofessional. So naturally I said
“What are you talking about? You’re
freaking us out man!” Then he reassured
us that it was a last case scenario, and left us to prep for surgery as I sat
next to Jill while she lay in her stretcher looking helpless and frigid from
only wearing a gown and hair net. I held
her icicle fingers tips and tucked her tightly in with her only blanket.
I was
eventually ushered to the waiting room where anxiety and boredom slowly crept
in. I tried to entertain my brain with
magazines, TV, and IPhone games, but I became more restless as the minutes
added up. About an hour later our doctor
came to my rescue of burdening myself with every worst case scenario and gave me
the rundown, and a nurse eventually walked me back to the PACU. Seeing Jill after an elective surgery lying
helplessly on a stretcher in the recovery room for us to have a baby made me
infinitely sad. The thought of her
diligence and willingness to create our family tugged at my heart. My cheeks became heavy as they pulled the
sides of my mouth down towards my chin.
My eyes felt like reservoirs, holding back my emotions. However, I stood strong as possible to give
Jill the support she needed. “The surgery
went well,” I said. “The doctor believes
we will be able to conceive with a low tech solution.” A sign of relief came across her face as I
held her hand, and she sighed from the anesthesia wearing off and pain
increasing.
Jill’s
surgery results revealed that the HSG was a false positive and both of Jill’s
tubes were completely clear after all; however, the surgeon did remove all the
endometriosis he found. A moderate
amount of scarring at best, and the best news we have had in a while. The specialist recommended that we do IUI
(intrauterine insemination) as soon as possible, due to the endometriosis can
start to come back within six months. So
a few months later Jill followed through with her next “low tech” invasive
procedures.
To
successfully conduct an IUI, first you need to hyper stimulate your ovaries with
the drug Clomid. During our first IUI,
Jill took Clomid from days 3-7 of her cycle and was then given a shot of
Menopur on day 9. At an ultrasound on
day 12 the nurse told Jill there was only one follicle developing on her left
side. This was disappointing as she
normally ovulates every month – to take all those meds and only get one
follicle was the worst case scenario since she would already normally produce a
follicle anyways. This is when we
started wondering if our RE was the best option for us. When Jill went back two days later for her
next ultrasound, another nurse showed her two big follicles on the right side
and one still on the left. How the first
nurse missed two follicles was beyond us but definitely a cause for
concern. With three good-looking
follicles on day 14, the nurse gave Jill a shot of a huge dose of HCG (human
chorionic gonadotropin) – the pregnancy hormone that forces ovulation during
IUIs. The next two days the sperm were
washed, counted, and placed directly into the uterus via catheter. That is if the nurse can find the cervix and
push through it without spending too much time hunting and pecking, which
apparently I’m told is very uncomfortable.
Jill was then prescribed progesterone twice daily every 12 hours
vaginally for the remainder of the cycle and into the first trimester to reduce
the risk of a miscarriage. Not only
progesterone is taken in an uncomfortable manner, but it is the also the
hormone that gives women PMS before their period. So in other words, they don’t call it “progesterage”
for nothing.
After
fertilization there is a two week wait for a positive pregnancy test to appear,
and the first one we’ve ever seen together. Jill was so excited to finally see a positive
test, however faint at the time; so she peed on a new test strip six more times
over the course of the weekend. Each one
becoming darker and darker as the pregnancy hormones began to populate her
body. A weight had been lifted off of us
and I just simply look up, smiled, and said, “thank you.”
The next
day her blood was drawn to confirm the pregnancy and her HCG level was at
22. Two days later the HCG measured 15
(in a healthy pregnancy it should approximately double every 48 hours), and last
blood draw on the fifth day was 14. A
positive indicator for a chemical pregnancy and an extremely sad, confusing,
and overall depressing day for us. What torment
my wife had to endure. After several
failed months, surgery, meds, procedures, and appointments we’ve got good news
for one day. Then our fertilized egg
which could have become the child we’ve been working towards ceased to live. Surprising, however, this supposedly happens
all the time and women have no idea that they were even pregnant or had a
miscarriage. That is unless you are
struggling with infertility, and are all too aware of how difficult it is to
conceive. How guilty you become from the
self interrogation of your past and how anything could be linked to this short
coming. The confusion of why this would
happen to us when we’ve tried hard to be healthy, balanced, and positive. The void and disconnect from lack of answer
for unexplained infertility ultimately conjures my worst emotion: anger. If this is a test, I don’t think I’m passing,
or even learning from it. I’m just too
upset.
As they
say, “life goes on.” My wife and I waited
two months for the second IUI due to the doctor’s request. We used the same protocol, though Jill only
had two follicles, one on each side. She
was triggered on day 12, and we waited for two weeks. Jill once again began her progesterone
regimen, however, to no avail, we were unsuccessful. The next month we tried our third IUI and we
enhanced the protocol. This time Jill
stilled received a 100 mg of Clomid on days 3-7, though we did two Menopur
injections on days 3 and 6. There were
2-3 follicles for the HCG injection on day 10, with progesterone after
ovulation. Then begun the agonizing two
week wait. We tried our best to stay
happy and healthy, but we were let down once more. After this we naturally felt a little
defeated, however, Jill and I don’t give up that easily, and during our ordeal
we managed to save the money needed to do the high tech solution.
IVF (in
vitro fertilization) is the process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm
outside the body. A high tech and high
price elective procedure to conceive our biological baby to fulfill our dreams and
aspirations of joining our hearts and souls in harmony to raise our child with
love, respect, and good Christian values.
This is our goal in life, and I’m guessing some people with children who
are reading this right now are probably saying to themselves, “ok, good
luck.” Though unless you have been down
this rocky road, and come out on the other end with more love and respect for
your spouse than ever before, I can see how some may find it hard to understand
how overcoming adversity in life and marriage molds you into a better person
and lover. I wouldn’t necessary say this
experience has been humbling, but a true test of character for sure. However, fortunately, in life tough times
don’t last, just tough people do.
We
decided to break away from our current RE and look into highly specialized IVF
fertility clinics. We found numerous
clinics in the nation and around the world.
Ironically the best IVF clinic in the nation is about 30 minutes from
our house. Though one cycle of elective
IVF would cost us between 20 and 25 thousand dollars, and unfortunately that’s
just too expensive for only one cycle.
Always believing in a having a contingency plan, we looked elsewhere,
though found the same results. Any
clinic with a good success rate would break our bank without any chances of
doing a second cycle if needed. Then
Jill found our clinic, which seemed a little unorthodox at first, but the price
and success rates were right for us.
ReproGenesis in Brno, Czech Republic, a highly rated and specialized
clinic for reproductive medicine. The
cost of IVF at Reprogenesis is 2000 euros (2654 dollars), plus 500 euros (664
dollars) for advanced embryo monitoring, a technology only beginning to see use
in the best clinics in the US. Add in the
cost of medications (about 1500 dollars) and it still adds up to significant
savings. With Jill’s parents showing enormous
generosity they offered to buy our round trip plane tickets for just over 2000
dollars. So with travel, lodging, food,
IVF, and a little sightseeing we have estimated that we will spend at most 10,000
dollars.
Whether
it’s greed, governing bodies, supply and demand, or health care that drives the
cost of IVF in America to be the highest in all developed counties, not sure,
but Jill and I are adding to the statistic of 40% of Americans traveling aboard
for reproductive medicine. We just want
the same insurance as the other pioneers of infertility, the ability to afford a
highly rated clinic and second cycle if needed before age really becomes an
issue. Not to mention the six month
window Jill was given before her endometriosis starts to reappear. Europe is also specializing in new practices
and procedures that increase the chances of conceiving by 10%, which have only
recently begun to be used in some clinics in the US. So a little extreme, some may think so,
however, we are willing to do what it takes.
Besides, anything worth having in this life is worth working for.
Originally
this blog was intended for our family to catch them up to speed with some
insight into our personal lives; however, I thought it would be appropriate to
share our story with friends as well.
This is our journey through infertility from my point view, and with
reading other people’s blogs and stories of infertility, our journey fails in
comparison to the horrors some people are subjected to. We feel blessed that we have had relatively
uncomplicated ordeal. It could be way
worse. Nonetheless, we also always find
time to laugh, love, live, and appreciate life even when the stress becomes
overwhelming. A trick that took a while
to learn, but yet, I’m sure I’ll never master.
I want to thank everybody that has given us kind words and encouragement
throughout the past two years, and for letting me vent from time to time. A big shout out to my co-workers in MRI that
have adjusted their lives for three weeks to allow Jill and I to explore IVF in
the Czech Republic. Also Jill and I will
be writing daily in Europe and plan on posting a blog at the end of every week
of all updates, adventures, and shortcomings.
So stay tuned as the saga continues, because as they say “life goes on.”